boojit

Tonight's "Best Wikipedia Article I've Read in the Last While or So" award goes to the entry for the Humanzee, which is a cross between a chimpanzee and a human (or a gorilla/human cross or even an orangutan/human cross, which to me is confusing because I would think you'd use "Manrilla" and "Humangutan" instead of "Humanzee," but this is apparently not how they do it in science).

Like most Americans, when I first became aware of the possibility of using Science and Technology to create my own Humanzee, my first question was, "How do I create the ideal Humanzee work slave?" with a followup of, "How do I create the ideal army of Battle-Humanzees, who are loyal only to me, and who will fight to the death in my maniacal quest for total world domination?" Fortunately, the Wikipedia article provides exactly this sort of insight:

Possible candidates for breeding with humans

Bonobo

Among the great apes, the bonobo chimpanzee (Pan paniscus) has the closest DNA to that of a human. Plus, it is characteristically more docile than the common chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes). This would make it a more natural choice. The common chimpanzee is known for its vicious territoriality, hunting of other animals (such as the baboon) and even murder groups that among their own kind eliminate the weak and the foreign. Should this temperament be passed on to the humanzee, military uses could be accomplished, but the results would be hard to control. The gorilla is known to be very docile and extremely strong. This ape would be a good choice for producing humanzee labourers. [ ... ] Although orangutans are generally passive, aggression toward other orangutans is very common; they are solitary animals and can be fiercely territorial. Immature males will try to mate with any female, and may succeed in forcibly copulating with her if she is also immature and not strong enough to fend him off. A humanzee bred from orangutans who retained these characteristics might not be cooperative for labour purposes, and a problem around human females. Of course the effect of the human side cannot be properly gauged until an actual humanzee is produced. The entire purpose of a humanzee is to combine human and ape characteristics. Higher intelligence might buffer the ape temperament, but it won't change the nature of the humanzee, whichever it turns out to be. (Emphasis mine)

Christ, I love Wikipedia. Look at the author's exceptional commitment to the NPOV. He's just reporting the facts here, with no editorial slant of his own. He's letting you decide what sort of ape/human hybrid is the best for you. For example, the common chimp is pretty good at fighting; but on the other hand, he's hard to control.

Tune in next week, when you'll find out how construction of my Humanzee Warrior Clone Army is progressing. I'll tell you what works, and what doesn't -- so you don't make the same mistakes I did.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 13th, 2006 at 1:10 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.